My love, prayers and support are with you always...

August 10, 2013

 It seems like yesterday that Mary Rose was born in our peaceful upstairs bedroom in our home, surrounded by her siblings and several of our friends here today. When she was born, I help her close, not knowing if she was a boy or a girl, and after a few moments I held her up and with joy announced to all, “It is Mary Rose!” That was all that was important, that said it all- she was “Mary Rose”. That name came from someone special and grew to be an adjective in and of itself. Now, Mary Rose is a beautiful and compassionate married woman whom we have cherished all these years and are so proud of. We haven’t known Ryan to long- less than a year and frankly, that concerned us. Recently, less than a month ago, Mary Rose had an emergency appendectomy. Ryan came rushing to our house at midnight when he heard Mary Rose was in a great deal of pain. I watched him sit beside her through emergency rooms, the sudden operation, complications in recovery and the process of healing- all the while knowing that hospitals and needles were definitely not his thing! I saw him encourage her, hold her hand…he never left her side, he saw the sickness , the emotions, the raw side of Mary Rose and showed only love and patience…it was then I knew he was with her “for better or worse, in sickness and in health…” I knew that she found a man of integrity, compassion and warmth...a man of God. When they were first engaged I wrote, “As joy and love and excitement fill your hearts, as you hold hands and look to a future walking together in the same direction, as Christ has started you on this journey, so may He lead you on. We want you to know that our blessings, as Mary Rose’s parents, are with you. We are peaceful and have a deep assurance that God intended both of you for each other and He has directed your paths to this moment and He will direct your paths from here forward, eyes on Him, into a life that will bring Him glory and a marriage that will be an example of God’s Love for us all. 
I love you both and toast to your amazing future. 
 Mom

Introducing Mary Rose and Ryan Swarts

On August 10, 2013, our youngest, Mary Rose, got married to Ryan Swarts. Life happens fast- changes are a constant..
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Stephen and Monica-November 17, 2012

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The American Dream

The American Dream

Age 59

I sit alone as dark envelopes the day and one by one my beloved solar lights flicker on, dimly lighting the night.  With wine glass in hand, in my Adirondack chair, I fade into the night.  A young stranger walks by, barely seen but yells out, “You have a beautiful house.”  I reply into the night, “Thanks.” Then I hear him exclaim to his companion but for me to hear, “This is the American Dream”’.  My immediate and probably confusing response into the night, to that stranger, was, “Looks can be deceiving.”

“The American Dream”?  What was my dream?  To have and raise a large and loving family.  A family that laughs together, that holds each other in seasons of loss and sadness, that are honest and natural with one another, that finds joy in worshiping  together - a family that looks forward to being together- a Thanksgiving table abundantly full of food and friends and love.  I dreamt of home as a safe haven from the woes of the world- where the hearth was always warm and welcoming.  A place that brought memories and anticipations of hot chocolate, crackling fires, curled up side by side under a blanket, offering our warmth to one another.  That is my American Dream—my naïve dream as I married and started a family.  A naïve dream that I have held onto through all the ups and downs of all these years.

What has that dream done to those I love?  It has left them, so I’m told, feeling enmeshed, strangled. Tangled in the tradition and memories of youth.  A place from which distance of time and space cannot be too far and the restrictions of contact and interest never enough.

 It has left me confused and bewildered as to my role at this point in my life.  Be there when  life hurts too deeply and I need your comfort or when clothes need to be washed or money needed, but don’t ask how my day was or what I might be doing tomorrow, don’t talk of fun memories or even create new ones -as that is also suspect.  The parent has become the puppet only allowed to move or speak at the whims of the puppeteers, otherwise desired to lay quiet and still its box until called upon at some later time.  

Is it such a struggle- becoming an adult?   Is it really needed-to  put the parent on a spinning wheel and throw darts hoping one will penetrate deep enough that somehow that will release one enough to “find themselves” and become an adult?  It seems so, at least in this “American Dream” for I have had to be put on that spinning wheel more than once- and yes, the darts do penetrate- yes they hurt- and I am silent.

My kind stranger... the “American Dream”- is that what this is?  The lights you see on the outside- I so wish they would chase away the darkness I feel inside.  I need a new dream… where can I find that?  A dream that looks on the outside the same as it is inside...a dream I can share without harming others and can honestly reply to that strange, “Yes, thank you, this is MY American dream.”

Happy 5th Birthday Hattie Rose Miller

http://smilebox.com/playBlog/4d7a49774d6a59314e44553d0d0a&blogview=true

Click on link to see a slide show about Hattie's year with words directly from Hatttie at the end as she says good-bye to 4 and hello to 5!

It's been 2 years- I love you and miss you brother...

In memory of you...

Miracle Moments-Mom’s Internment
February 6, 2012

Miracle Moments are something learned about when Mike
passed away. Little events, “coincidences”,
that are beyond just chance that say in a profound way, “I am with you- I am
OK- I love you.” There were many of those yesterday.

When Rick and I arrived at Westminster Memorial Park on
Monday, February 6, 2012, having given Mom her last car ride- buckled in the
front seat with me in the back- just as it always was, we were surprised to find
her site beautifully canopied with chairs set up and a table for her urn. I felt an immediate need for worship music- and especially to play “The Old Rugged Cross” so I sat in the car, called Mary Rose to find out how to download Pandora and search for “The Old Rugged Cross”. I downloaded OK but could not come up with “The Old Rugged Cross” but finally accepted worship music and went to the grave site. I found that both Mom and Dad’s
marker and Aunt Kate’s had been polished again and looked shiny and almost new
and they had neatly trimmed around both markers. . I also saw that they had finally found the
vase in the grass and had uncovered it and placed the flowers that we left
Saturday in it. I was touched.

The young man from Westminster backed off and simply
said, “Take all the time you want.” At one point he commented ‘“Your Mom liked Christian Music?’ I said that she did but I really was looking for “The Old Rugged Cross”. He, being
younger than I, took my phone to try to find it to no avail. Rick prayed for us, we wept and listened to the worship music.

After some time we told the young man that it was OK to bring the grounds crew to do the burial. I thought of Mike as once he was one of these crew members-a bit of a
tough job. They were very respectful as they exposed the pre-dug hole and place Mom on top of Dad’s casket- the Celtic Cross facing skyward. They placed
shovels full of dirt on top and with the very last shovel full that filled the grave,
“The Old Rugged Cross” came on Pandora. I burst into tears. The young man, who is
shortly to leave for Boston to study for the Priesthood, said, “Your Mom wanted
to wait until this moment- some things are just meant to be.” We listened to the song as they placed the sod and immediately afterwards “Amazing Grace” played...and of course, Grandma
Janet came to our hearts. Two songs after that was “His Eye is on the Sparrow”- the song Deven sang at Grandpa Rae’s funeral- I had not heard that song before and not again until yesterday. Take the time to listen to it- the words are beautiful and a comfort.

So—after more tears, a visit with Marmee and Grandee, and a last good-bye to Mom and Dad, we left the park. As we were at the exit gate, the radio on in the car, the announcer said, “This day’s theme is- Let Go and Let God”-one of Mom's life sayings. In tears we looked at each other and could only exclaim, “Really?”

Rick took me to Polly’s Pie Palace for breakfast—our server was Charlie! Not such a common name these days.

At the end of the day- before our flight home, Rick, Mary Rose and I went to Newport pier to watch the sunset. Mom loves the ocean and sunsets- as do I. It was beautiful and peaceful. We decided we had just enough time to get a fast dinner before leaving for the airport so we would just get whatever was at the end of the pier. The choices at the end of the pier??? Charlie’s Chili and Jane’s Corndogs!!! Really?
We choose Charlie’s Chili and from my seat I looked up and they had a
Fire station/firefighter sign on the wall. Really?

I don’t know what all to make of these “Miracle Moments”
but in my heart I feel we were being reassured that Mom, Dad and Mike and are together,
still loving all of us, and at peace in their new eternal home.